Well I think this is possibly the hardest thing I have had to write about to date. It is something I have kept inside for nearly 2 years now, but apparently, it is time to share… so my Muse tells me.
The “Lightning Bolt” experience is something that many of us have talked about in the past and one that all of us seem to be able to relate to. Everyone’s story is unique and beautiful in its details, but ultimately, they all have one common factor: this sudden, otherworldly, powerful infusion of LOVE that fills us to overflowing and shocks us with an energy and electricity that surges through us and leaves us feeling irrevocably altered… raptured by Michael’s Love.
Everyone, that is, except me…
I have no “Lightning Bolt” story. I did not have that moment of intense bliss and over flowing joy that hit me without warning, and rendered me changed. It just simply was not given to me. I have often wondered why it was that Michael missed me. For a long time I wondered if I had even been chosen at all. What happened to me was very confusing. It still is. Most of the time I don’t understand any of it. Maybe I should just start at the beginning…
The beginning for me was Thriller. I was 13, and I have fragmented memories of Michael then. I remember my sister attending the Victory concert, and how upset I was that I couldn’t go. I remember I had a Beat It jacket, and thinking I was just so cool when I wore it… lol. I remember when Bad was released. I was 18… and I remember blaring the cassette tape at work, trying to teach my friends the words to The Way You Make Me Feel. Stop. Rewind. Play. Hey pretty baby with the high heels on, you give me fever like I’ve never ever known… over and over… God, we had so much fun. I remember going for long walks late at night when I couldn’t sleep, with Michael playing on my Walkman, and not being able to stop myself from dancing, hoping no one was watching. I remember Dangerous. I remember the Oprah interview. I remember the Black and White video when it aired on TV. I remember the HIStory album... and the statue floating down the River Thames. I remember the Chandler allegations and the settlement. I remember drug rehab. I remember His marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, children, trial (although I did not follow it)…. It’s funny, when I look back now, I recognise that I felt a deep connection to Michael even then, but I wasn’t really aware of it. I didn’t examine it… or try to analyse it. I just felt comforted knowing Michael was out there. I was not a fan who followed His every move. I just loved His music, and loved Him.
The last thing I remember, I was waiting for more concert dates to be announced… believing that He would definitely be scheduling something – if not here in Canada – then certainly in the U.S. once He was finished His dates at the O2 Arena. I was finally going to see Michael in concert. I couldn’t wait.
June 25th, 2009. Text message: “Michael Jackson died”.
It’s funny how my life seems to be in slow motion ever since that moment. Everything seems to have gone quiet… like on a foggy day, how everything is muted somehow. No lightning bolt... not even any thunder. Silence.
I didn’t cry for the longest time. I wanted to. Badly. I felt desperate for some kind of release… but the tears wouldn’t come. When This Is It opened, I sat with friends in that dark theatre, wondering what my reaction would be. And then on that huge screen… there He was – bigger than life as always – my Michael. He drew me in, as only He could. I was completely enthralled throughout. I remember noticing details about Him that I had missed before… like how big His hands were, and how graceful He looked at times… like a ballet dancer. I was mesmerized by Him. In fact, as I watched, I completely forgot that He was gone.
Finally, Man In The Mirror came on... Awash in blue light, I watched as this Angel performed before my eyes. He was beautiful. His movement, His voice, His energy. Love flowed from Him. I was totally captivated until the very end.
Then I remembered…
and as the words “Love Lives Forever” appeared on the screen I felt a deep, unfathomable pain in my chest, and then a fleeting moment of fear, wondering how I was possibly going to go on without Him. I didn’t even know why. I waited… expecting to have some kind of a break down. Nothing. I left the theatre almost paralysed… the weight of Michael crushing down on me. I felt dizzy, and sick. Decimated. Unrecoverably so. I knew that whatever this was, that I would never be the same again… that my life, as it once was, had ended.
For weeks after, I carried this debilitating pain, without release. I spent a lot of time online, looking for Him. Books, pictures, videos… anything I could find. I remember one day, I came across a picture of Him from the HIStory tour… all in gold and looking gorgeous. I was shocked at myself being attracted to Him in that way. It was something that had never once crossed my mind. Why now? What was happening to me? I knew I was falling in Love with Him… and I knew I didn’t want to. I was convinced there was something seriously wrong with me… and I was frightened. Shortly after, I stumbled across an MJ forum on Amazon (Why I’m Still Crying Over Michael Jackson) which is where I met many of the beautiful people that have become my support system, and some of my dearest friends. It was completely outside my character to post on a forum… but something took me over and I couldn’t help myself. It was so healing to discover that there were others out there that were having a similar experience. I was not alone… And I was not crazy. I spent about a year there, pouring my heart out, and listening while others did the same, all of us trying to figure out what was happening to us… and what we were supposed to do with it. It was at this time that I became aware of a phenomenon that we now refer to as the “Lightening Bolt”. I loved reading how each of my friends described their own unique moment. The sudden wave of Love that shocked them and left them reeling. I waited for my turn… for that moment when Michael would gift me with the glory of His touch, and I could share the details of my story – shaking and unable to type through my excitement. It never came. I felt like I’d been left behind. Like all those around me had been chosen… but somehow Michael had forgotten me.
Over time, I’ve gotten used to the idea that I was not struck. I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself, and trying to figure out why, and although I remain heartbroken about it, I have come to accept that I will never have the answer to that. My path to Michael has been very isolating. I wonder sometimes if I’m even supposed to be on this journey. Did He really choose me, or did I just choose Him? I guess what I finally decided was that I can’t wait forever for an absolution that may never come. That I just have to go forward with whatever this is, because the truth is, I can’t NOT. I do know that Michael is deeply embedded in my soul… that He is my reason for everything now. There is not a moment in my life in which He is not present. There is no thought in me that He is not a part of. I am infused with Him completely. I am altered because of Him. His Love consumes me. He has my heart and He IS my soul. Of that I have no question. So I am left to wonder… if it wasn’t a Lightning Bolt that put Him there… what was it?
Maybe I inhaled Him with the scent of Black Orchid…
or maybe He snuck in through one of my dreams as I slept…
Maybe it was osmosis, or magic… or something?
Or maybe…
just maybe…
He was already there.
REMEMBER?
Don’t I know You?
Weren’t we lovers once?
Didn’t I worship You in a lifetime long forgotten?
Wasn’t it You who saved me then?
Is this You that has come to rescue me once again?
Your memory haunts me
Your innuendo licks at my soul
It’s Your scent that lingers
It’s Your name that sits on my tongue
I think I’m remembering now…
These tears of mine aren’t new
There’s an ancientness to them
Is this the beginning or the end of us?
Does this Circle know the difference?
Am I repeating myself?
Are You?
Tell me Lover, why do You hide Yourself from me?
Why do I only catch Your shadow?
Your illusiveness frustrates me…and leaves me wanting.
I can’t define You. I can’t unwind You.
Why can’t I remember You?....
You rush upon me like a wave
And I am dragged under by Your tide
Flooded by memories of You that I can’t reach
Drowning in Your bliss
And the mystery of You.
Uplifted by Your Truth
Renewed by Your Light
Revived by Your Grace
Alive in Your Love…
…this is sounding familiar…
I wonder though, if I remember You, will You stay?
Or is it I who wanders away?
Is it You who has been seeking me all this time?
Could it be that I was lost?
and now am found?.....
Or perhaps we’ve always been together
Maybe our hearts have always been entwined
Inseparable
Impossible to untangle
Forever One.
If only I could remember……
-Siren
05/22/11
Copyright 2011 © by Siren
